What I Learned from Mr. and Mrs. Zhang

Last week I had lunch with one of our students - in the mentorship program  (recently graduated from CMU) and his parents.    I learned an important lesson from the parents.  Below, is the letter I wrote to them.  

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Zhang:

It was a pleasure meeting you last week over lunch in Santa Monica, California. I very much enjoyed our conversation. As we were meeting, I noticed two kinds of emotions in your faces. The one that was being experienced by your son - Shaojie, and the one that was being experienced by you; as his father and mother. Shaojie just graduated from a prestigious school (Carnegie Mellon University) and therefore I could see "happiness" in his eyes. It was natural and real, frankly, because he achieved something. He worked hard and is moving closer to his goals - graduate school and job opportunity in New York City.  

However, when I looked at your eyes, I noticed a different sort of emotion. That emotion is "joy." I noticed as parents of Shaojie; you were not thinking about yourselves. I saw the light in your eyes seeing the glow on your sons face, the laughter and his voice and the progress in his quest and the blooming of the whole person.

I learned a valuable lesson from you in our first interaction. "Happiness" usually involves victory for the self, graduating from a prestigious school, getting good grades, finding a job, or pursuing graduate school. "Joy" tends to affect the transcendence of self. "Happiness" comes from successes and accomplishments. "Joy" comes from when our heart is in another. "Joy" comes after many years of changing Shaojie's diapers, driving to practice, worrying at night as your son studied in the US, many WeChat conversations with 12 hours time difference,  and just sitting quietly and watching as Shaojie is growing and learning. "Joy" is the present that life gives us as we give away our gifts.

Your son and I are both in different stations of our life journey, despite our mentor/mentee relationship. I had the honor of working with him and getting to know him in the past year. I am enjoying it very much. And looking forward to much more as he is beginning the next chapter.

I  realize these days; it is challenging to be a young adult, like your son with rising rates of anxiety, school and job pressure, and so many other societal issues. While we usually talk about professional and academic life, I suppose part of our goal is to get this just next generation thinking about the future of their emotional lives, which is truly going to be the center of everything.

Although we didn't communicate in a common language, I very much agree with what I saw in your eyes during our lunch in Santa Monica.  The main point is that happiness is good, but joy is better. It's smart to enjoy happiness, but it's smarter still to put ourselves in situations where we might experience joy.

Thank you for trusting me with your son.

I look forward to many more interactions with you, as Shaojie and I are on our path from happiness to joy.

Warmest regards,

Rooz