Beyond Divides: The Art of Deep Connection in a Fractured Society

I have been observing growing political divisions and escalating mental health issues, paralleling trends in the U.S. These divisions could be attributed to various factors, including social media influence, economic inequality, reduced religious and community engagement, populism, prejudice, and manipulative elites. However, a core problem is inadequate interpersonal skills for thriving in a diverse, multicultural society and a de-emphasis on social aptitude and character development.

I recently read a fascinating book by David Brooks, "How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen," Brooks mixes self-help with political purpose. Like many others, he regrets the shift in education and parenting from moral teaching to solely focusing on achievement and success, which I have seen among parents my age. In the book, Brooks uses Google Ngram Viewer, a tool analyzing word frequency in books, to highlight a decline in ethical terminology throughout the 20th century, citing decreases in words like "bravery," "gratitude," and "humbleness."

Brooks' narrative extends to politics as well. He refers to thought-provoking but controversial research from the American Enterprise Institute, a libertarian think tank, suggesting that lonely individuals are seven times more likely to engage in politics than their non-lonely counterparts. Brooks interprets this as meaning they seek a community and a "moral battleground" through politics. He portrays these lonely political actors as believing morality doesn't involve active compassion, like feeding the hungry, but instead feeling intense disdain for those they oppose. This characterization might resonate with specific followers of Trump and similar populist leaders, but it's unclear how widespread this belief is. Brooks also asserts that "happy" societies focus on distribution politics – the allocation of resources – while "unhappy" societies are driven by recognition politics, fueled by bitterness and a desire to assert identity and status over addressing social issues.

The main issue with Brooks' narrative of societal deterioration is its oversight of the reality that the U.S. has never been an incredibly joyful or compassionate nation for many Americans. Despite its current issues, I believe the recent history of American politics includes significant advancements in civil liberties championed by the feminist, civil rights, and LGBTQ+ movements. These efforts represent a blend of both distribution and recognition politics. While Brooks perceives a "massive civilizational failure," I see considerable, albeit insufficient, strides toward a society where one's gender, sexuality, religion, and race do not predetermine their opportunities. Instead of moral decline, the fading of polite, upper-class manners that maintained rigid social hierarchies gave way to evolving ethical standards.

However, politics is just a fraction of this book's content, primarily focusing on nurturing friendships and improving conversation skills. One can avoid aligning with Brooks' political views to recognize the importance of building stronger social bonds. His earlier book, which I read during the summertime, "Bobos in Paradise" (2000), insightfully analyzed the rising creative class. Brooks has shifted his focus from objectively assessing others to becoming an "illuminator" – someone who makes people feel acknowledged and helps them discover their best selves. Brooks' writing is not only humorous but also strikingly humble and sincere. He describes himself as an emotionally distant nerd who transformed an unexpectedly moving panel discussion with, among others, actress Anne Hathaway. This experience made him realize that his usual detached demeanor distanced him from others and hindered his connection to his authentic self.

Brooks' advice on connecting with others occasionally feels overly simplistic, almost as if he's explaining essential human interaction to someone unfamiliar. He emphasizes the value of small talk, suggesting topics like the weather, Taylor Swift, gardening, or the TV show "The Crown" - the 6th season will be out soon, by the way - for initial conversations. His approach to deeper engagement at social events resembles that of a pick-up artist targeting the socially awkward. He proposes starter questions like "Where did you grow up?" or "That's a lovely name. How did your parents choose it?"—phrases that, to me, seem awkwardly unnatural. For more profound conversations, he suggests inquiries like "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" or "If we meet a year from now, what will we be celebrating?" While these might be more suited to a professional setting in Washington, D.C., they could feel out of place at a casual gathering. Nonetheless, Brooks does provide valuable insights, particularly on bridging political divides, emphasizing the responsibility of the more powerful speaker to foster a respectful and balanced dialogue.

Despite my commentaries, I concur with Brooks on seeking greater empathy, kindness, and openness toward others. I resonate with his moral perspective that being good is more about the consistent, small, impactful acts of being a better friend, neighbor, or colleague rather than grand gestures. I ask more thoughtful questions instead of the usual pleasantries these days. I am also becoming more aware of my tendency to one-up others' experiences with my own stories, a habit I am trying to change. These minor adjustments might go unnoticed by my friends, but they've had a significant, positive impact on my interactions.

In his insightful work, David Brooks emphasizes a vital skill pivotal to nurturing healthy individuals, families, schools, communities, and societies: the capacity to understand others, making them feel acknowledged and valued deeply. This ability to genuinely see and know another person, to make them feel heard and comprehended, is at the core of his book, "How to Know a Person."

Brooks recognizes a common human shortcoming: our frequent failure to make those around us feel visible and understood. In a world filled with people feeling unseen and misinterpreted, "How to Know a Person" aims to guide us toward better interactions. Brooks asks pivotal questions: What kind of attention is needed to know someone honestly? What conversations should we engage in? Which aspects of a person's narrative deserve our focus?

Leveraging his curiosity and personal commitment to growth, Brooks integrates insights from psychology, neuroscience, theater, philosophy, history, and education. His book presents a holistic and optimistic framework for enhancing human connections. It helps readers become more empathetic and attentive to others and illuminates the joy of being seen. In suggesting ways to bridge societal divides marked by separation, hatred, and misunderstanding, Brooks offers a potential antidote to our fragmented world.
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Brooks posits that genuinely seeing another person is an act of profound creativity: How do we look someone in the eye and recognize their greatness, thereby discovering greater depths within ourselves? "How to Know a Person" is essential for those seeking deeper connections and understanding, yearning for a world where every person feels genuinely seen and understood.