We need more Good fights at work

In the past year, I have seen that we often avoid conflict and disagreement at work, mainly because the majority of us prefer to be conflict-averse.  It is perfectly natural that we don't' want conflict. We don't want to disagree or more important, don't know how to do it.   In fact, we've come to relate saying "I see it differently" or "I don't agree" with being hostile, offensive, or rude, so it makes most people uncomfortable.  

To be fair, agreeing is usually more comfortable than facing someone, at least in the short-term.  It feels good when someone nods at something we say.  We often label people that disagree with us as "difficult."  That is a big mistake.  By thinking that way, we lose out on a potentially fruitful and productive working relationship.  

Disagreements are an unavoidable, normal and healthy part of relating to other people.  There is no such thing as a conflict-free work environment, and my company is not an exception.  We might dream of working in a peaceful paradise, but it wouldn't be good for our company, our work and us.  In fact, disagreement - when achieved well - have lots of positive outcomes.  


Here are few of those positive outcomes:  

• Better work outcomes.  It will lead to creative friction which will likely to lead to new answers.  Conflicts allow us to come to terms with the complicated situation, to incorporate diverse perspectives and to make sure solutions are well thought-out.  Yes, conflict is uncomfortable, but it is the source of real innovation and also a critical process of identifying mitigating risks.    
• Opportunities to learn and grow.  As uncomfortable as it may feel when someone challenges your ideas, it's an opportunity to learn.  
• Improved relationship.  By working through conflict together, we will feel closer to the people around us and gain a better understanding of what matters to them and how they prefer to work.  Yes, it is possible to have "good" fights and then move on.  
• Higher job satisfaction.  It is true.  When we are not afraid to disagree about issues at work, we are likely to be happier to go to the office, be satisfied with what you accomplish, and enjoy the interaction with your co-workers.  
• A more inclusive work environment.  If we want diversity and inclusion, we have to get prepared to disagree.  

As a company we need to learn how to disagree more, we all need to take responsibility for making it comfortable and OK for everyone to disagree, debate and express their real opinions.  We just need to get more comfortable with conflict.  

Here are some ideas to start:

• Letting go of needing to be liked.  Most of us want people to like us.  That's completely normal.  It is natural to want to be liked, but that's not always the most important piece.  Instead of focusing on our likability, let's focus on respect - both giving it and earning it.   Even when the issue is hard, conversations can remain mutually supportive.  Respect the other person's point of view and expect them to respect ours.  We need to build a team model that it's Ok to disagree, making it safer for our team members to raise their ideas.  
• Focus on the big picture.   Yes, disagreements are hard,  but conflicts at work usually start as differences over goals or method.  Focusing on something other than disagreements on goals or methods can be a good start. Perhaps we can think about the business needs:  Why is your difference of opinion an important debate to have?  How will it help the company, our team or the project we're working toward?  Wanting to be liked is about us, wanting what's best for our company or the team is far less selfish.  
• Don't equate disagreement with unkindness.  People are hesitant to disagree because they don't want to hurt other people's feelings. Or don't want to be a jerk.  But most people are open to hearing a different perspective if we share it thoughtfully and respectfully.  Just ask yourself:  Is there a risk that you will hurt your coworker's feelings or that they'll think you're a jerk?  Or are you projecting your discomfort?
• Just find a role model and follow them.  Probably there's some in your life - a colleague, a relative or a friend - who does a pretty good job being direct and honest about their thoughts and opinions without ruffling feathers.  Just watch that person and see what they do.

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Practice in small portions.  Be straight in a low-stake conversation and see what happens.  Odds are it will go better than you expect.  And if it doesn't, that is entirely ok.  You can learn from the situation and try again.  

I have learned to object and disagree precisely what the other person wishes you would do - as long as we do it with respect and empathy.